Happy Fall, Y'all! Sweet Apple Butter, and Bittersweet Memories.

Fall is my absolute favorite season. My birthday, 3 of my kids' birthdays, my parents anniversary, my sisters' birthdays, GOOD GRAVY. LOT'S O' CELEBRATING.

However, even in all the celebrating, what I feel like God is revealing to me, as He gently whispers "Be obedient.", is that Fall, for some, is painful.

As the gently warm breeze switches to a harsh wind, no amount of pumpkin flavored everything can take away the pain.

A miscarriage, an excruciating memory, a difficult child, a feeling of inadequacy. All these things can't be brushed away, as quickly as we sweep leaves off our porch. They can't be erased, even as we try and flood our mind with new memories. The decadent smell of the perfect cinnamon/apple/crust ratio, can't cloud the imperfection of whatever we're carrying. For some, it's just not a Happy Fall, Y'all.

As I type this, I'm flooded with people who've asked me to pray.

A friend who has a toddler at Children's Hospital, trudging through the uncharted waters of all that is involved in every tiny decision made, that is quite literally, life and death.

A Momma who has a strong willed child, and is stomping through a dark forest, quietly whispering "Help!", as she waits for the tiny sliver of light to pierce through, revealing wisdom in how to reach this child's heart.

A mom, and wife, who recently found herself questioning every decision she's made, as her pastor husband revealed his addiction.

A woman who's fears and failures always reveal themselves, like clock-work, right at this time.



And even though I love fall, I can feel it. The bitterness of the cold. As you round a corner, that has been filled with warmth, only to hit the wind, and draw in that deep, freezing cold breath. It's often debilitating. Causing you to lose strength. Whatever bag, scarf, child you're carrying, you squeeze close to you. To try, with no avail, to avoid the harsh bitterness of the cold day.

But as I said, it's to no avail.

I'm not enough.

That Momma in the hospital, is not enough.

That Momma with the strong child, is not enough.

That woman with a book of lies, opened before her, that she'd never seen sitting on her bookshelf, is not enough.

And yet we keep trying to be enough.

We think if we just do more of _____, then the memories will fade. The bitterness will seep away, and we can go on, enjoying life, one bite of sugary pie at a time.

But you and I both know the roller coaster keeps on going. Gary Chapman has a book called "The 4 seasons of Marriage.", which you can find here. And quite honestly, it could be renamed "The 4 seasons of Life." Because whether we're married, single, divorced, a Mom, a daughter, or an estranged child, I feel as though we've all walked through these seasons:

Winter:
Emotions: Hurt, anger, disappointment, loneliness
Climate of Relationship: Detached, cold, harsh, bitter.

Spring:
Emotions: Excitement, joy, hope
Climate of Relationship: Vital, tender, open, caring.

Summer:
Emotions: Happiness, satisfaction, accomplishment, connection
Climate of Relationship: Comfortable, attached, supportive, understanding.

Fall:
Emotions: Fear, sadness, dejection, apprehension, discouragement, resentment, feelings of being unappreciated.
Climate of Relationship: Drifting apart, disengaging.

Quite honestly, I was shocked at his interpretation of Fall! I couldn't believe that he thought this is how Fall felt! Has he never been a part of #pumpkinallthethings ??? Apple Butter! Has he never experienced APPLE BUTTER? That's Fall to me!

But then, as I've been walking through Fall with others whom I deeply love and care for, I realized, maybe there's some truth to it.

And then I really searched my own heart.

And I realized, maybe I struggle with this, too.

Celebrations, apple butter, and everything pumpkin might just be my way of choosing joy, in the hard stuff. 

I wouldn't even call it avoidance, because, as I'm scooping apple butter on a biscuit, I can feel the spiritual attacks in my life.

Fall can be hard. First off, the LAYERS. For me, socks, boots, slip, dress, jacket.

Then multiply that by 7. Because, family.

The chill in the air is bitter. So much so, it causes me to RUSH the kids in and out the door. And the chill makes my bones hurt!

Look up at the list of "Climate of Relationship": drifting apart, disengaging. Fall causes a season of hurried business. So I sometimes forget to be intentional with my kids, and with Mark. Which inadvertently, causes us to drift apart.

And if left unattended, causes us to drift into Winter, where the Climate of the Relationship is detached, cold, harsh, bitter.

And if we're speaking honestly here, that scares me.

I don't want those things to happen!

You know what else he says? It's dangerous to stay in the seasons that we love. Look up there at Summer: Comfortable, attached.

The last thing I want, with my walk with Christ, is to feel comfortable. Like I've got it all figured out. Every time I pridefully think "Hey, I've got this!",  I'm quickly brought back down to the awkward self that I am. I fail daily.

So, what can you do?

First off, you are not enough to do anything. If you're reading my blog, and don't believe in God, that's your right. However, I do. I believe that in this life, as we all haphazardly try and trudge through, doing the best we can, we all begin to sink. We all begin to feel that feeling of inadequacy. Like we're not good enough. So for me, I go to God.

I have begged Him, on a regular basis, for a revelation.

"God reveal a word I can speak into this woman's heart, so that SHE KNOWS she's incredible."

"God reveal a moment I can pray with this woman, so that SHE KNOWS she's not alone."

"God reveal my selfishness, pride, and arrogance, so that I KNOW how foolish I'm being, and then give me the courage to seek forgiveness."



And then, that tiny little word, that feels like the warmth of a home, as you scurry in from the cold, or like the relief you feel when you pull the perfectly designed, and executed, apple pie from a warm oven.

That small reminder, that we are His:

Grace.

Grace is a nurse at the Children's Hospital, who just loves on you. Your worn out, no makeup, exhausted you.

Grace is a friend praying against the schemes of the enemy, in you and your husband's life.

Grace is God reminding you that the demons from you past, the painful memories, are not who you are, but rather, what He has given you the strength to walk through.



And Grace, sweet friends, is a big ol' dollop of apple butter, on a piping hot biscuit, that you eat all to yourself, after the kids go to bed.


My prayer, as we enter into Fall, is that we'd not dread it. Not avoid it. But also, not completely distract ourselves from the hard things.

I pray you'd enjoy that pumpkin candle, filling your house with delicious aromas. I pray you make that dessert, and enjoy it with friends.

But most of all, I pray whatever you're walking through right now, that you'd remember:


You're not enough, but thank God He is.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."




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I thought I'd add my recipe for Apple Butter on here! Enjoy it, and if you make some, tag me on Instagram (@sierrajodominguez) , so I can see your deliciousness!


Apple Butter

-5 1/2 lbs. apples (Whatever kind you like! I use Gala.)
-1 1/2 Cups White Sugar
-1 Cup Brown Sugar
-2 Cups Water
-1 tsp. Nutmeg
-1 tsp. Ground Cloves
-3 tsp. Cinnamon

Turn your Crockpot onto Low. Add water to Crockpot. In a bowl, stir together sugars and spices. Core apples, and cut into 1 inch chunks. Add all apples to Crockpot and pour sugar mixture over them. Stir until apples are nicely coated. Place lid on Crockpot, and simmer 8-12 hours. (Or overnight.) Remove lid, turn Crockpot on High, and cook 2-4 more hours. Apples should be a dark brown color, and smell like heaven! Take an immersion blender, or ladle mixture into food processor, blend until smooth. Ladle into storage container, and keep in fridge for 30 days. Or ladle into glass canning jars, place lids and rings on jar, boil in water bather for 15-20 minutes, and will keep for up to a year! Spread on toast, hot biscuits, or just eat like applesauce! Enjoy!

-Sierra for Dojo's Designs